i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
