Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
