I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
