I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
