my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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