I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I hate all girls vehemently.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I miss vodka workout Fridays
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
