My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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