i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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