You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
