how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
