Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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