thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
