I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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