Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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