im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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