i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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