my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
