We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
