9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
