I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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