$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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