I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Pants are for mortals
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
