Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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