you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
