You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
