Umm I'm too high to move.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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