Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
