never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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