BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
