Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
