Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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