Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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