Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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