Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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