I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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