just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
