That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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