your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
