Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is Oprah even human
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
