Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
