I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
