I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ketchup is God's man juice
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
