BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
