i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
