Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
