i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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