I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
