My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
