how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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