Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
