I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
